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If seeing the back of Tony Blair brought an assuagement to the resentful, bitter frustration people hold towards our Government and the political process in general, the arrival of Gordon Brown's front; and I use the word front in it's literal, political and behavioural sense, has made this sense of relief very temporary.

This is the political equivalent of ones bowel cancer going into complete remission only to be diagnosed hours later with Parkinson’s disease. He’s not exciting, he’s not new and it’s not going to make the slightest bit of difference to anyone’s life that we now have a miserable bastard Jock in power.

He’s already promising change, but change what? The ten years of policies he's just supported as Chancellor? If so then he was either lying then or he's lying now. If things need changing why the f*ck did he support them in the first place? If they don’t and he just wants to distance himself from Blair, then he's ten minutes into the job and already feeding us a sh*t load of false promises.

Also, it’s not his place to change things anyway. This is not a Presidency. His party was elected on the strength of a Manifesto. He can’t just change it and sod anyone who voted for it. If he wants to do that, let’s have a general election and see if you get your mandate. Right on!

Of course, that’s actually shite isn’t it? In real terms a general election will only offer us all the opportunity to vote for three kinds of the same shit. There’s not a cigarette paper between any of the three parties and it’s not worth getting out of bed to vote. I’d rather spend the ten minutes licking piss of a stinging nettle. Or something.

This country needs a tyrannical nutcase calling the shots: a real off his rocker, mad-as-a-hatter despot. A man who would make Caligula, Ivan the Terrible and Queen Ranavalona of Madagascar look like Rod, Jane and Freddy. Someone who believes in their own omnipotence rather than ‘Gods’. I’ve been saying this for years but only in jest, but lately I’ve come to believe this isn’t such a bad idea.


The problem with the country is not that we’re struggling with our identity since the break up of the Empire. It’s got nothing to do with our social structure or a lack of moral purpose. It’s got nothing to do with a growing disparity in wealth and status between the classes; everyone’s rich in this country even the poor, even if they don’t realise it. And, it has nothing to do with the economic growth of countries such as China and India.

The reason this country is such a boring and uninspiring damp shit hole is because of the sleazy, weaselly, socially inadequate, sexual deviants running the place and the millions of morons who live here. It doesn’t matter how these people were able to overrun the place, the fact is they’re here and something needs to be done before we start to de-evolve and end up scratching about in the woods beating each other with sticks and sniffing each other ringers.

If you cook something and it looks and smells like vomit, you don’t add salt and garlic and make do, you throw it in the bin and start again. We need to throw ourselves in the bin and start again. I’m up for it. I’ve got nothing else to do. If nothing else it’ll be exciting.

A ruthless despot with absolute power will provide a final solution to the politicians’ infestation, so let’s look at how he might arrest the spread of crazies in this once great nations population. Temporarily, we’ll need to introduce a “Logan’s Run” carousel extermination policy where anyone considered to be a burden on society and a pollutant in our gene pool is immediately tied up with piano wire and gunned down in a public ceremony, possibly shown live on Saturdays instead of those talent shows that are on now. Also, anyone wishing to start a family will have to be subject to a strict vetting process and the number of progeny permitted, strictly regulated on a case-by-case basis.


It makes no sense to me that by some random quirk of fate an intelligent, educated and financially independent woman, unable to conceive naturally, should be subjected to an invasive probe into every nook and cranny of her life should she want to adopt, where as some horrible fat bitch who has done nothing with her life but eat cake, claim benefits and shag in alleyways on a Friday night, can get herself knocked up without any investigation at all as far as her suitability to raise a child is concerned.

The aim here is to cleanse the gene pool so we don’t continue to breed generations of pigeon toed, pot-bellied, allergic, imbeciles, incapable of independent thought and no more evolved than plankton. I’m not suggesting a master race or anything, just a population where the majority can manage joined up writing, basic mathematics and have a sense of ambition and an appreciation of life in general and obviously no more ginger kids.

Obviously in order to protect this majority from the minority of proles that will still exist, an uncompromising and expedient criminal justice system will be required, along with a system of containment along the lines of the Jewish ghettos only this time, these people will fully deserve their place in them.

The police will be armed not with silly sticks and whistles, but with guns, and anthrax sprays and other chemical and biological nasties and will be given a free reign on who they unleash them on. The chav will feel the full force of this new zero tolerance policy on public disorder. Any teenager caught sporting Burberry clothing or seen smoking using the thumb and forefinger will be placed in series of violent confrontations with the police and finally entered into a programme of re-education somewhere in Wales.

Prisons and trials will essentially be abolished. Human rights will not be respected until we can learn to behave like humans. Life will carry no value until we can show that we value it ourselves. All crimes will receive the death penalty. Especially driving in the middle lane of the motorway unnecessarily and also parking in disabled bays or on double yellow lines. Traffic Wardens will carry lethal injections instead of tickets and be on strict quotas to issue every last one of them on a daily basis. No longer will turning on your hazard lights exempt you from tickets. Traffic Wardens will not care if you were just picking up your dry cleaning; “pick a vein and let’s get this over with,” will be the procedure. Once law and order has become second nature, prisons and due process will be reintroduced and the death penalty issued only at the discretion of the Judge.

Money will become obsolete. The true value of life cannot be appreciate while financial gain and the accumulation of material status symbols continue to seduce us and provide a false sense of purpose. People will be assigned work according to ability. Unlike communist society, there will be no abuse of the system. A good work ethic will be maintained initially with uncompromising brutality and rewards in the shape of sexual gratification from legalised prostitutes or, in the case of female workers, make-up rations and shoes.

Eventually, when it is fully understood that the important things in life, the real good stuff: relationships, health, family, cannot be influenced by money, a strong work ethic will be maintained independently without the need for violent encouragement. People, in effect, to quote Rocky Balboa in Rocky II, “will do cause they wanna do”.

Our education system will undergo total floor to ceiling refurbishment. In Primary Schools, no longer will five-year-old kids be told to sit down and be quiet. It will become a capital offence to insist a child not answer back or question his elders. The wee ones come to school to learn and asking questions is the way to achieve this. Curiosity will be encouraged, as will conker fights.

Primary schools will no longer be permitted to indoctrinate children into religions. Religious studies and sex education will exist only on the curriculum of secondary schools. Children under ten will be given the opportunity to be under ten; which is to say they will not have to know about birth control, Gods and sexually transmitted diseases. Children will draw pictures of dinosaurs, climb trees and play in the sand, boys will be allowed to be cheeky and noisy and swatty girls will not be encouraged to tell on them.

Children will learn how to read, write and do simple mathematics. Science will also be introduced on an elementary level. There will no longer be naughty tables and any child forced to hold in his wee until break time will be given the opportunity to piss in his teacher’s coffee. His teacher will then be invited to Wales for re-education. The under 10’s will not be subject to exams, reports or evaluations of any kind. They will not be forced to wear uniforms and they will not have to sit boy-girl-boy-girl, as everyone knows girls of this age have the lergy.

Once a solid foundation of a thirst for learning has been laid and education has become an enjoyable process for children they will progress to a secondary school where the child’s personality will be given opportunity to develop at it’s own pace allowing academic or vocational ability to be assessed easily. Natural abilities will be given priority and emphasise will be placed on social skill development as opposed to storing and regurgitating irrelevant information. Crazy kids will no longer be referred to as “special” and will be kept in chains and beaten with sticks in a secure location far away from the normal kids. Once of age, they we be indoctrinated into the Armed Forces and dehumanised as quickly as possible. The strongest crazy kids will be placed in breeding programs and sent to work building roads and digging ditches etc.

Religion will obviously be strictly prohibited. Religious studies will still be taught in school, but only to highlight how ridiculous it all is. Darwinian evolution will be accepted or I’m afraid, people will think you’re a twat. Prohibition in the USA was obviously not too popular, however, that was alcohol. Alcohol is fun. Religion is daft and therefore it is not anticipated that religious speak-easy’s will spring up in secret backrooms up and down the country.

Religious crazies will not be martyred publicly. Anyone found guilty of not accepting that there is no sky fairy controlling everything will be told in no uncertain terms to grow up. Further breaches will result in tutting and headshaking from local officials and a lack of respect from the rest of the population who have grown out of this nonsense.

Marriage will be banned as a religious ceremony and as a display of ones love, because, you know, that’s also stupid isn’t it. Cohabitation only permitted when children are involved. Anyone unable to accept that we don’t live in an episode of Dawson’s Creek will be sent to Coventry. There they will undergo training and attend workshops where the true meaning of love will finally become apparent and the difference between love, lust fully understood. It is anticipated that these workshops will be attended predominately by women.

Relationships will be strictly monitored. Anyone found not actually caring about their partner and resenting their very being will be told to get a grip and find someone else. Couples will appear before panels of soppy gay hairdressers every six months to demonstrate appropriate levels of intimacy and affection. Couples will not be permitted to make all around them miserable anymore through their petty arguments and squabbles.

Discrimination on the grounds of race, gender or sexual preference will be a capital offence. Only on grounds of someone being shit will discrimination be justifiable; however, anyone found to be really shit will have either been put through the carousel process or be on the waiting list for it, so this should not be an issue.

Defence and Health investment will flip-flop. Hospitals will become relative palaces. Doctors and nurses (and physios) will be appreciated for once in their f*cking lives. There will no longer be a ceiling on efforts made to keep people alive and their dignity intact. Charities will instead fund the military. People will give old clothing and tinned goods in order to finance the purchase of missiles, bullets and tanks. All overheads incurred by the military will be covered in this way and therefore it will be the general public who will decide, through their charity, when and if we should go to war.

A limited military will be of little consequence during the genesis our new nation as all diplomatic ties and hostilities with other nations will be severed immediately. Once our pride and self respect and identity has been rediscovered will we begin integrating ourselves within the global community once again should it be considered beneficial to our growth and not a threat to our new found utopian state. But this is far into the future, before we can learn to fly, we must first learn to walk and run.

Our public services will put the Scandies to shame. Buses will run every ten minutes from everywhere and be free. The streets will shine and every one of them will be lit. The emergency services will able to respond to actual emergencies. The fire brigade will arrive before your house burns to the ground. The police will arrive before the dirty bastard burglar has shot out of your bedroom window. Ambulances will arrive before you swallow your own tongue in agony from your heart attack and the AA; the fourth emergency service, will actually be able to fix your car rather than just make matters worse and toe you all the way to somewhere that’s nowhere near where you need to be.

Nowhere near where we need to be is where we’re at now people and if we want real change, not the Gordon Brown version of change, it’s not going to be pretty. Millions of people will perish on this journey to our new utopia, by the hand of natural selection or capital purge, but life without pain has no meaning and these cleansing processes are the inevitable labour pains of a new life and a new beginning.

And once we have been delivered, everyone will find cause to rejoice. People will be physically healthy and attractive rather than repulsive and wheezy. Greed, envy, resentment and bitterness will cease to exist. Everyone will have a role rather than a place in society. Respect and pride will have been restored without arrogance and conceit. Altruism will not just be a Swedish pop band, and a state of calm and contentment will reside over the place like a nice warm blankey on a winter’s night.

The vehicle for our journey will be our own inner sense of what is right and wrong. The initial brutality of our Despot leader will act as a kind of stabiliser. Much like a child learning to ride his bike. Once he has the balance and skill and appreciation of what is involved in travelling independently, the stabilisers can be removed and freedom, total freedom enjoyed forever, for once it is learnt it is never forgotten.