One hears all kinds of things at the hair salon, so I cannot say at this time how much truth there is to this particular rumour, but I have it on fairly good authority that Captain Birdseye was arrested during the early hours on Wednesday morning on exploitation charges.Exploitation of what exactly, is unclear at this time, but at the time of writing it appears to be the exploitation of the size of a typical loaf of bread in the UK. Babs, my hairdresser (34-34-40-ish) 38,from Didcot, told me today that apparently the charges relate to his refusal to sell fish fingers in increments of four even though a standard slice of bread in the UK can only fit four fish fingers on it.
Babs continued, "really, people only buy fish fingers to put in sarnies, d'you know what I mean? So when you can only buy a pack of ten, that always leaves you with two left over, d'you know what I mean? So you have to buy two packs don't you? You have to buy 20 instead of ten, but for people on a budget, that's not always possible. I've got seven kids, I can't afford to buy 2 packs of fish fingers for myself when I have to buy them food too. Captain Birdseye is a right old cunt for doing that I reckon. Sorry, did you want your neck tapered or squared off?"As I say, the arrest of Captain Birdseye is as yet, unconfirmed but I hope it is true. I've been saying for years that fish fingers ought to be sold in increments of four. I don't expect an old sea dog like Captain Birdseye to have a total grasp of advanced mathematics, but even he must be able to work out that 4 does NOT divide equally into 10 and surely, as a fat bastard, he must appreciate that a sandwich with only 2 fish fingers would only arouse ones appetite without bedding it back down. So by a process of elimination, a serious case of bread exploitation exists. I hope they throw the book at him.
1 comments:
I can fit five fish fingers on my butty, two on each side and one sliced in half longways.
Buy big bread and give the old dog a break.
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