Voy Por Ustedes

You turn your back for a week and what happens? Nothing, the planet is still full of shite. Apparently science boffins have discovered a planet "just like Earth", and they're all very excited about it. Why? Well, because it might have liquid water on it. And this is important for what reason? Because they think life needs liquid water. Okie dokie then, so you think there's life on this planet; this is relevant to any of us because? Erm...well because it means we're not alone.

Ok stop right there. In fact, fuck off. This is so much bollocks and nonsense it's making me gag. Finding water on some planet that is so incomprehensibly far away that none of us will ever actually see it let alone experience it is not exciting. It's only water anyway. I saw nearly 500 litres of the stuff in the Spar today and I wasn't aroused in the slightest.

And who says we're alone? I'm not alone. There's six billion other people on this planet. Most of them were in the Spar shop this afternoon; and all trying to pay with the exact change too, inconsiderate bastards. If there's a whole population of these people on some other planet that can only be a bad thing for the universe as far as I'm concerned.

We're also not alone as a species. There's a cabillion other species on this planet. Most of whom we know nothing about. So can we not introduce ourselves to them before we shuffle off to planets 700 gazillion light years away to find new and interesting folk? To be fair if there is life on other planets, we don't want to meet it. Those planets are freezing, if there's anything on it, it'll be huge hairy killer bears. It won't be lizards, those dudes are cold blooded. It'll be meat eating bears with paws the size of hot air balloons. Even if they're friendly, a hug from one of those critters will tear you to pieces.

I can only assume this discovery is only relevant for colonisation purposes. This is a comforting discovery because once we've destroyed this planet we can move to the new one and tear that apart.

NO! Have we not learnt that colonisation is a bad thing? How many countries have to have their empires dismantled humiliatingly before we concede that we ought not to go around stealing other peoples territories? And anyhoo, I'm not too good at maths these days but by my calculations we'll have destroyed this planet looooooong before we've developed the technology to transport people and animals and plants Noahs arc stylee to some other planet.

It's bollocks. All of this exploration of space is bollocks. It's completely irrelavent to any human being. Most of us can only last 80 years, so this discovery means nothing to the next 20 generations. Even it were possible to build a ship that can travel those kind of distances you're talking a 20 year journey (assuming we're able to travel at the speed of light). Everyone will die from DVT, or boredom or go insane. Have you ever stayed in for three days? People go crazy on bank holiday weekends. It's the only time people are glad to be back at work. You can't keep people in one enclosed space for twenty years. See prison experiences for examples of why not.

I hate to be a killjoy. But this whole field of science is a total waste of genius. Can those science boffins not turn their attentions to solving this planets problems? Disease? Global warming if it exists? Poverty? Ginger hair? There's a cornicopia of shite to sift through before you need to worry what might be out there. Was the aeroplane invented before the bicycle? The Harvey Wallbanger before mead?

NO! Priorities scientists, priorities. In fact, before you even begin with the science I'd tackle social skills first. Learn how to dress yourself. Learn how to bathe, how to brush your hair. How to have a normal conversation with a beautiful woman. How to match your socks. How to pick out frames in an opticians which don't make you look fucking stupid. How to eat without spilling your peas over the table cloth and your soup down your front. How to shit, in the toilet.

What I'm trying to say is before one tackles the final frontier, let's have a bash at the first frontier shall we, i.e. being human.

"Before one learns to fly, one must first learn to walk and run"-- Nietzsche