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Arsenal's season may have ended, but my crusade to crush the blackened heart of Phil Brown is only just beginning. Without Brown's involvement in the relegation battles I would very much prefer to see Middlesbrough survive, but unfortunately as things stand, in order for Phil Brown to die we must also sacrifice Middlesbrough.

I cannot see Middlesbrough beating Aston Villa and West Ham in their final two games, I must therefore hope for a Newcastle win tonight in order to ensure Hull drop into the relegation zone. Newcastle's final games are easier than Middlesbrough's therefore I must hope for a win tonight for the Geordies in the North East derby allowing them to secure the points to seal Hull's fate.

Hull have very little chance of accumulating anymore points. Bolton away and Manchester United at home ought to see them end the season with the 35 points they have as we speak. But if they were to fluke a win against Bolton we must see Newcastle win tonight and win one of the remaining two fixtures against Fulham or Aston Villa at home.

I've got three more boxes of pins and some poison I obtained from a West Indian man in exchange for a couple of virgins I secured from a Scottish chap who wanted some Cotswald stone bricks. A three way trade I hope which should see Phil Brown's career as a football manager crumble away before his lifeless eyes, his dark eyes, his black eyes, his dolls eyes.

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One of the less vindictive of my personalities has allowed me to bet on a HT/FT draw at 5/1 incidentally. Neither team seem capable of stringing a series of passes together let alone scoring an actual goal - maybe 0-0 half-time and 1-1 at full-time is about as exciting as this one should get. The rest of you might want to bet on a 4-3 classic.