Voy Por Ustedes

I know it's the sabbath and all and I hope God will forgive me, but I'm having a bet today. I can't allow Aston Villa layers to offer up 10.5 and me not have a piece of it. I can't I can't.

The way I see it, Manchester United are the most over-rated team in world football and given that Rooney, Berbatov, Vidic and possibly Ronaldo won't play, I can't accept that Villa can't win more than one game in nine under these circumstances.

Even if fake Ronaldo is playing, he's made it plainly obvious he doesn't want to be there and I'm sure his mind will be on a different kind of Villa such as the cazzillion squillion pound kind he'll be living in soon and whether the shampoos available in Madrid are resplendent and rich in frog oils and the milk protein drinks contain adequate levels of L. Casai Immunitas and Bifidus Digestivum.

I've said this once people and I'll say it again. The old maxim the league doesn't lie was indeed a lie last year. Arsenal were better than them and so were Chelsea. Same this season. They don't deserve to be where they are and although I'd much rather they won the Championship than Liverpool, I don't think they will. And if they're not to win it, this is the kind of game they ought to be losing.

Villa haven't won since February and I don't think they've won at Old Trafford ever, so they're due. That's the logic I'm employing on this one and why not? Ironically of course, I don't want them to win as a Manchester United win secures Arsenal's future and I'll gladly sacrifice the £20 of monies I've wagered on Villa for this to occur. But I feel I'm right on this one. I've got a funny feeling in my waters.

**Update: By jove that was exciting. In real terms this was the perfect result for me as a Gooner and a wagerer but one must take exception to the bias Manchester United receive from officials. Although I really needed Manchester United to win for the sake of Arsenal's Champions League future, I must confess to feeling a little sympathy for Villa when the injury time board showed five minutes!!

That is utter bullshit. No games ever have five minutes of injury time unless someone has been seriously injured. I don't recall seeing either physio on the pitch during the second half. Manchester United are the only team who receive treatment so preferential. I know their winner came in the third minute of injury-time so would have stood without the extra couple of minutes, but it's still bollocks and Villa's players must have felt like utter shit when they saw how long they had to hold out.

Still I'm over it now. I have won £20 which I shall shrewdly invest on some South American fixtures and Arsenal are nearly guaranteed Champions League football for another year.

A disappointing Grand National. Poor Hear the Echo was going very well until about 4 fences out. I hate it when horses die, especially when I've backed them. I was able to insure my bet in-running, but I don't like doing that, it's terribly gay. Oh well, hopefully he'll be in horsey heaven now enjoying all the rusks he can wish for.

I thought it was a little harsh of she-man Claire Balding to embarrass winning jockey Liam Treadwell after the race by asking him to bare his teeth to the camera given that she hasn't sat for too many oil paintings herself. It's the greatest moment of his life and she makes him feel shit. Had I been Liam at that moment I'd have kicked her in the bollocks.

I should imagine as we speak Venetia Williams is giving Mon Mome a very special treat of her own back in it's horse box. She looks and sounds the type. It's the upper-class ones who are the dirtiest you know.

It wouldn't surprise me if she had her Chinese sex balls up her the whole race. It's no 100/1 shot the stable lads will be increasing their intake of carbohydrates so they can accodamate her needs later this evening I can tell you. Eh eh.. the saucy posh whore.

This week we've seen a series of unpleasant individuals in various forms trying to play Moses and lead their respective peoples out of whatever form of bondage has been imposed on them. G-20 leaders pretending to solve the crisis they won't admit they caused, Madonna attempting to adopt half of Malawi's infants and now Alan Shearer attempting the impossible by bringing stability and Premiership security to Newcastle.

You could add Ledley King to this list. King himself has only one brain cell which rolls around in his head like one of those ball-bearing games you'd find in your Christmas stocking - only when this single cell slots into place is he able to string together a few coherent sentences so his opinions are largely expressed through a proxy, usually Harry Redknapp, but it's almost always nonsense.

These people are from diverse backgrounds, but all share the same distinction, they will all fail and none of them care. Politicians, Shearer and Madonna's apparent benevolence and concerns are all motivated by self-interest. Ledley King's refusal to let a crippling knee injury deny him his place in Totterington's unlikely pursuit of a UEFA cup place (or whatever it's called now) is down to a simple inability of his brain to register any sensations other than the soothing pleasure of having his testicles massaged with a soapy flannel and has nothing to do with raw courage.

Politicians are all financially secure and are not subject to the generational debt they've burdened the world with. Madonna can find other tax write-offs other than Adopting African children and less messy ones to boot and Shearer can do no wrong whatever happens over the course of Newcastle United's final eight games of hopefully their last ever Premiership season.


What causes me to vomit in disgust is not the blatant opportunistic exploitation of the shitty circumstances imposed on the peoples who have placed their trust in these individuals, it's the peoples placing their trust in these individuals.

I don't trust anyone. My bunker is nearly complete and once it's furnished I shall live the life of a mole, blind to the world and quite happy about it. Although I will live on Pot Noodles and biscuits rather than worms.

Before I go though I'm having an opportunistic moment myself in the form of some wagers which return at a minimum of 1100/1. The games I shall be focusing on will be Blackburn v Spurs and Coventry v Reading. I'll say no more at this point**.

**Update: Selection number one has come in and I am laughing as I type this. Blackburn v Spurs - half-time/full-time - Spurs/Blackburn @ 33/1.

Thank fuck Gordon Brown has saved the world again. He's got the world's leaders round the table and yanked the iron out of the fire. Pheeeeewy! I'm so proud to have Gordon Brown as the leader of my nation I think I'll have a wank in celebration and rub my cum on my chest and in my eyes. He's literally made me want to climax out of sheer pride.

No, not really. I'm afraid I still hate him. I think he deserves to go to jail. He's a fucking liar and a thief. This G20 $1.1 trillion deal is another 2p tax scam. This is another illusion. There's no actual money being pledged by anyone. It's all smoke and mirrors and creative diction.

The sums of money being talked about mean nothing. And in a couple of days when everyone has had the time to read the small print it'll all come out in the wash. Brown will have had his positive headlines and photo-ops by then though and won't care. He'll also be out of the country when the difficult questions about his latest con job need to be answered.

When he announced income tax would be reduced by 2p he achieved what he wanted. Some positive headlines and a wrong footing of the media, which is what this summit has also acheived. But then a couple of days later someone crunched the numbers and figured out the people he was purportedly helping were actually getting screwed by the abolition of the 10p starting rate. The same will happen to this once the dudes who actually understand this nonsense have had the time to look at the fine print.

Little children say things like I love you a trillion squillion times, and this G20 deal to save the world's economy should be taken about as seriously. None of this has any relevance to how anyone lives and we're still utterly screwed. No actual money is involved and this crisis will continue. But as long as Brown gets his photo opportunities and gets to stare at Obama "with narrow eyes filled with creamy pleasure" I doubt he'll be losing too much sleep over it.

Even though I've resigned from the world this stuff still keeps me awake at night. I hate the fact that we have an unelected confidence trickster leading us to financial ruin and no one is making any attempts to stop him. George Osbourne and Cameron can't help us because they don't understand what's going on and aren't about to get out manoeuvered by him again. And our media seem completely impotent. I don't understand why there aren't riots in the streets every single day to have this man removed.

I dream of medieval retribution. The last Scottish conman who tried to fuck England's shit up to this extent was William Wallace and when he was eventually captured they dragged him naked through the streets of London. They cut his balls off, tied him to a tree, sliced his back open and pulled his guts out and burnt them while he was still alive. They made him watch while his own intestines were set alight. Finally his head was placed on a spike on top of London Bridge. Awesome! Although I think the lobby of the House of Commons is a more appropriate location for the spike upon which Brown's head would be skewered.


If that exact method of removing Brown from power happens, then I will find peace. Only then will I be delivered from this torment. Only then will I sleep the sleep that Gordon Brown has murdered. Murdered like Macbeth - the sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleave of care. The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath. Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course, chief nourisher in life's feast. Bastard.