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The thing I hate about Eastern Europeans right, the thing I hate about them right, ..they come over here don't they, they come over here, they don't work, but get a free house with Sky TV and benefits that are more than my bloody wages I have to work ten hours a day for. Ten bloody hours. My Granddad fought Hitler for nothing, he might as well have stayed at home and claimed benefits that's what I always say.

And right, another thing I hate about the bloody Poles and the Czechs right, they come over here don' they, they work ten hours a day for fuck all wages so I can't get a job and so I have to claim benefits don't I cause I can't afford to feed my family on the wages they earn. Why don't they all fuck off home that's what I always say.

And the ones I really hate are the ones who come over here, work and then fuck off home with our money. It's no wonder our economy is on it's bloody knees, all our money is in the whore houses in Prague and the purses of all the old ladies in Warsaw. Why don't they all bloody well stay once they're here, that's what I always say.

Gertcha..

Urrgh, I feel horrible today. I'm been the picture of good health for weeks, I spend one morning in hospital and I'm fucked now. My throat feels like it's had a horses cock thrusting up and down it for a several hours.

They locked me in a box you know, a glass sound proof box to do some respiratory tests. They didn't explain why I needed to be in there. I think they wanted me to stop talking. It was kinda claustrophobic in there. I kept thinking about that Austrian woman. I bet her throat was quite sore too.

I've got a taste for strepsals now. The cherry ones. Just so you know.

Gordon Brown is so fundamentally unlikable. Who invited him to be Prime Minister? Even the Labour party didn't vote him in. Can we not all just tell him to fuck off? All of my equations so far have shown that no one is winning by having him as Prime Minister, except him.

I get that we elect parties instead of individual President type dudes. I get that we elect parties on the strength of their manifestos. But when Gordon Brown took over, he made promises that it would be all change policy wise. Huh?

If you want to change stuff you have to ask us first, no? We have General Elections for that don't we? We used to anyway. And surely even if we're not to be consulted, it should still be down to the party to elect the leader, no? For all intents and purposes Gordon Brown has become PM by bagsying the position. It's like having someone show up at your party without an invite and insisting the music be changed to the Glasgow Hammond Organ society's church hymns CD.

He's completely redundant. There's really no need for him to exist. There's a veritable cornucopia of reasons to dislike the guy. For me, initially it's because he's a Jock. I hate the fact that such a high percentage of our Government's cabinet comprises of Jocks. Miserable bastard Jocks at that.

English MP's cannot vote on Scottish Parliamentary issues, yet the Jock MP's can vote on English issues and this must surely be a huge wrong-un. We haven't had an English PM since 1997. How can this be so? How people, how?

Gordon Brown and his silly new teeth does not believe in a democratic political process, he believes every penny of wealth in the country should belong to the Government and he and only he should have the responsibility to distribute it to the people and he so gargantuanly arrogant about it.

Also, he doesn't have a single economics qualification. Chancellor for 10 years - spends money like one of Paul McCartney's wives - doesn't save anything, then blames the rest of the world now that we're economically fucked. How does that work?

Still he bangs on about how awesome he was as chancellor and in the same speech talks about how we're all fucked now, but it's not his fault. Has someone turned over two pages at once? How is that possible? How can you be chancellor of the exchequer for 10 years and not be responsible for the state of the economy?

No one likes him, no one is gaining anything from his Premiership, no one elected him and he's the only one who's benefiting from his tenure as PM. The difference between Gordon Brown and any random totalitarian regime is really rather unnervingly difficult to distinguish.

At least most dictators are colourful characters. Most of them wear funny hats or dress up like Elvis or have enormous pornography libraries. Gordon Brown collects coins and supports Raith Rovers.

There's nothing we can do about him either. Not until 2010. There must surely be some sort of lynching clause somewhere in British law to deal with Prime Ministers who won't fuck off on their own accord? Seriously, why can't we just tell him to sod off? Please, somebody call somebody.

People are twats aren't they. I'm on my way out to the sto' this afternoon for a sammich and I find this note on my car:

For those of you who can't speak scum, it says "Do not park hear it is not ur space." Ignoring the appalling grammar and spelling and hand writing just for a moment, am I asking too much for them to have spoken to me personally, or at least been more polite in their note?

I'm parked in what I assumed was a spot not reserved for any particular property, and even if it was, it was closer to my place than either of the two properties from which the note scribbler must reside, so it should be allocated to moi.

So anyway, I take the note and approach the front door of suspect number one from the east. In my most polite yet sinister tone I ask if he's left this note on my car, but instead of just denying any knowledge of it, he actually reads it! I found this odd. You either left it or you didn't, why read it?

Unless he's in the habit of leaving notes on cars and was checking to see if it was one of his, I have good reason here to suspect he is the guilty party oui? He then said, "where was you parked, round there?" I say yes (as if you didn't know you smelly cunt) and only then does he deny ownership.

This confirms his guilt in my eyes. He knew where I was parked, his van was parked right next to mine and the neighbour - suspect 2 - was not home.

Cowardly of him to not own up, but I now of course can park there whenever I choose if it was him as he can no longer object. But this sort of behaviour annoys me. I find it weasely and petty. Where's the neighbourhood spirit? The sense of community?

It goes without saying of course I shall urinate on his van at the next available opportunity. If they won't join you beat them, that's what I always say.