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So when when when will Governments learn that in order to build a genuine sense of community, the people have to have a little latitude to police themselves? When, tell me? The strongest communities are built on a sense of us against them, and them is usually the state, so it's daft for the state to believe it's policies can impose a sense of community on us all.

I'm on my to the sammich sto this afternoon and I'm listening to a radio phone in from Norn Iron and by golly almost ever caller argued that they felt safer and had a stronger sense of community at the height of the troubles because their paramilitaries acted like a police force.

This is also the reason why Iraq is now in such a chaotic mess because the US in all it's wisdom completely dismantled the police force which had it's own way of doing things and also why the east end of London was safest when the Kray's were up until all hours cutting out Chelsea smiles into numerous dudes faces who for the best part, deserved it really. You larfin at me you carnt? I'll make you smile for the rest of your fackin liiife.

It's all well and good for the police to insist we resist the temptation for vigilante free for all's, and leave them to do their job and we would do if they could actually do their job, but they're not in a position to do their job anymore are they?

If your car was broken into do you ever expect the police to catch the weasly fucker? Or return your goods? Do you even bother calling the police nowadays? No. But would that same weasly fucker break into your car if you lived in a street populated by professional criminals with really sinister cockney/Italian/Northern Irish accents who were known publicly?

Bless the police, they're a sweet bunch with their little jackets and radio's and pretty blue lights and so on, but they're completely redundant aren't they to be fair to them. There's not enough of them for one thing, but what really makes them impotent is essentially being forced to keep the peace with two hands tied behind their backs as they're obliged to follow rules, provide evidence and observe silly human rights regulations.

I've often argued this country needed a ruthless crazy tyrant to solve it's crime issues. Someone who wears women's clothes behind closed doors preferably. Or at least the police need to be given absolute power. Give them say a free month every three months where they can do what they want without having to justify it. It's hardly likely that they'd use that time to beat old ladies up and be all mean to the innocent folk.

Surely they'd use the time constructively and it'd be open season on all the mouthy bastards that have used the police forces own rules to fuck them over. I've seen those police shows. Some drunk bastard swearing his tits off and the poor bobby just has to stand there and ask him politely to stop swearing. At the end of the show Ross Kemp or who ever's narrating reveals said drunk mouthy bastard was given a warning and told to be on his way. I'm quite sure no one's ever spoken to Gerry Adams like that.

So yes, let's have two police forces I say. I legit one with uniforms who adhere to the rules and keep all the EU people happy, and a darker force who dress as locals and operate in the shadows. Chavy fucking car thieves, drug dealers, sexual deviants, they'd be gone within the week, that's what I always say.
Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was my new microwave. I nearly ruined it today. It's one of those combination efforts. I accidentally microwaved when I should have been ovening. For 40 minutes my food was cooking when it only needed 11 minutes. It melted. Black acrid smoke filled my kitchen. I'm a right narna.

boomp3.com

What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on your organ, just ask almost every bloke who ever met Diana Princess of Wales. Am I right am I right? High five!

(cough) so anyway, er...Crazy man Mohamed Al-Fayad has finally decided to give up on his ludicrous quest to have everyone but the Avon lady tried and convicted for the murder of his son and Princess Diana.

He's giving up for the sake of the Princes apparently. Ten years this inquest has been going on, so ten years and about £20m of the tax payers money later and now he's finally given up..for the Princes. Not because it was a yard full of horse hockey in the first place. Man I'd be pissed off if I was a tax payer. What a waste of money.

It's been clear to me since the beginning how she died. They were all drunk weren't they? Three sheets to the wind; Dodi, Diana and the driver. Pissed up in Paris, they're in a dark tunnel,..if she wasn't sucking that drivers cock when they ploughed into that barrier I'll give up detective work.

I know paparazzi are tenacious, but Diana pictures were a dime a dozen, why would they all risk their own lives just to capture one random picture of her in a car? They wouldn't, unless of course that picture was something spectacular...like for example Diana photographed with her head between the hairy thighs of the chauffeur licking a bollock.

I've said all this before, but people don't want to accept the truth because she's the nations treasure, but during her peak she was second only to Ulrika Johnson as Britain's busiest whore. Even I fucked her once.

Let's see, Will Carling, James "I'm not Harry's father even though he's the spitting fucking image of me" Hewitt, Paul Burell, me, James Gilbey, Philip Dunne, Stephen Twigg, Ted Forstman, David Tang, Hasnat Khan, Dodi Fayad and various other miscellanious shags all too often forgotten after a night on the alco-pops. The only guy who wasn't getting any at the time was Prince Charles. That's why he ended up hunting down that Camilla beast. Kinda feel sorry for him really.

Anyway, I digress..so finally Fayad has given up, he would have been better served pumping the money he must have wasted on legal counsel, into the transfer market to boost Fulham's first team.

If Fulham get relegated because he's spent so much money trying to convince the world his son wasn't effectively cuckolded by England's rose it'll be a double whammy for the fella, ironically Diana's favourite sexual position. It's funny how things work out isn't it?

So I was able to finish third tonight in the Fox game without getting even slightly lucky and I even came away with a £160 profit after an awesome display on the PLO cash table. Oh yes. I run good.

Nothing else to say really. Awesome I was. Awesome. Move along now. Move along. These aren't the droids you're looking for. etc

boomp3.com

Just a slight wee addendum people: As there's been no standarisation of poker rules, this is probably one of those grey area's which every casino/card room has it's own standing ruling on but are you allowed to announce your hand while the hand is in progress?

It makes no difference to how dodgy one of my calls was, but it did influence my decision. If someone asks you what you're holding, can you tell them? I'm quite in tournament poker you're not allowed to turn your cards over or flash them, so I assumed you weren't allowed to verbally announce them either.

I'm hearing different things. As I recall from the WVCC's AGM it was decided that if you show your cards accidentally, the hand is not dead, but if you do it intentionally it is..so what is the essential difference between showing a hand intentionally and verbally declaring what you have intentionally?

So there's been some more protests against the Chinese Olympic thingy this time in Paris. Am I the only one who thinks this is really rather boring and slightly gay? I have every sympathy for the plight of the Tibetans, I do I do..but I can't help them and me trying to blow out the Olympic torch flame in protest is not going to help them. It's not a fucking magic torch. What are people trying to achieve by extinguishing the flame?

If you really really feel that strongly about the issue, go to Tibet. Put yourselves between the wee Tibetan monks and the Chinese military. Then I shall respect your protest...elsewise it's just worthless and mildly irritating.

Most of the people protesting aren't even Tibetan, they appear to be just student types who can't wait to get up in the morning and be offended on someone else's behalf. Just fuck off and stop wearing such ridiculous woolly jumpers that's what I've always said.

On a more amusing note, some of the police in Paris wear roller-blades! Awesome. Some how I just can't see the bobbies here adding this to their uniforms. Armed roller-blade response units. Our police, I don't know, just seem so uncoordinated and just not cool enough to carry this off. We'd do it wrong anyway and give them roller skates instead. Pink ones.

No but no but no seriously..this Olympic stuff: please protesters, you're wasting everyone's time. The world is quite aware of China's human rights record, but the world doesn't actually care see..so running after a wheel chair athlete carrying the Olympic torch and spraying him with a fire extinguisher is going to achieve nothing but give the poor chap a cold.

It doesn't help anyone and it's really quite pathetic and insulting to those on whose behalf you're protesting. Like all those undereducated dirty folks who chase after police vans carrying paedo's to court who wave their fists in the air furiously - it's got nothing to do with justice for the victims and seeking revenge and what not, it's just a competition on who can be seen to be the most offended.

All those Monks in Burma who took on the armed police with nothing but their sandals, and those thousands of Chinese students in Tiananmen Square who stood in front of tanks and were mowed down with live rounds...that's how to protest and still the world didn't do anything. Until you're prepared to offer up that level of commitment, just don't bother. Stick to eating pot noodles and cultivating appalling facial hair.

He was right you know, W.C. Fields when he said, "if at first you don't succeed try, try again. Then quit. There's no use in being a damn fool about it." The poor woman I witnessed this morning trying to reverse park her people carrier agreed also, fortunately for her husband.

I'm waiting to get off home after to purchasing some sunglasses and some shampoo from the chemist, but my passage is blocked by a failing attempt by said woman to back into a space large enough to build a four bedroomed house on.

I look on with a combination of frustration, astonishment and fascination as does another motorist equally eager to get off home who was approaching from the east. Her first attempt to be fair to her ought to have earned her a ban from driving.

This was spacial unawareness on a massive scale. Worse even than the woman who reversed into a petrol pump at 35 mph who you can read about here. Her second attempt was approximately four inches better than her initial effort.

At this time her husband in the passenger seat, who had by now noticed the sizable crowd of onlookers, had leaned forward and was presumably shuffling about in his glove compartment searching in vain for a length of chord or a sharp stabbing implement with which to end his own life, but alas nothing. His eyes looked to the heavens and I lip read, "dear lord why have you forsaken me?"

His deliverance from parking hell came presently though as his wife refused a third attempt and drove off passed me with a look of pure indifference on her face juxtaposed to the expression of pure rage on the husband's face. A look that is all too common when couples shop together.

Shortly after, three cars slotted neatly into the space left vacant by the vacant countenanced woman who I suspected may also have been Scottish.